Becoming a Better Parent: Supporting my Child’s Journey with Mental Health
May 17, 2022 | Indra Paola Peláez, Ed.D. (she/her/hers) | Dean of College and Career Pathways at Renton Technical College
Saturday, August 29th, 2020, started as an ordinary. I left early and came home exhausted. Shortly after laying down to recharge, my son said something that instantly changed my world: “Mom, I have been cutting myself and having suicidal thoughts.” I couldn't help but cry inconsolably and ask him why. I told him how much I loved him and that we would seek out the assistance needed to get through this together.
I remember crying, telling myself how bad of a mother I was. I kept questioning many of my decisions as a parent. Had I prioritized him? Could I have done something differently to prevent this? Were there signs that I missed at the onset of the pandemic? The questions and tears were endless. I felt like the worst parent possible. Professionally, I had managed to support a robust team while completing the last year of my doctoral studies, but as a mother, I felt like the biggest failure.
After speaking with close friends and mentors, and finally securing a psychologist, we began the long road to healing and recovery. Through therapy, strategies to cope with various mental health illnesses, intentional time spent connecting with my son, and learning new-to-me parenting techniques, I realized that I had to meet my son where he was. I also had to let go of the same strict and unrealistic expectations that my parents once had for me.
Growing up in Guatemala, I was expected to have perfect grades. I was expected to remain quiet and accept my parents’ authority. I was not allowed to spend time with friends unless they came to our house. Meanwhile, in the United States, culturally, kids are given the opportunity to share their point of view and socialize in a variety of environments. As a result, I had to consider the damage I was causing by setting such high expectations and unrealistic academic demands. I finally realized that straight As and demanding a perfect boy were hurting my son's well-being.
Although it has not been easy, my son is in a better mental health space and is no longer cutting or having suicidal ideations. While the pandemic brought the worst nightmare I could ever imagine, it also opened my mindset and helped me become more flexible and adaptable as a parent. As a family, we have learned to live with our new reality, enjoying the small moments, enjoying ice cream outings, and enjoying life. We have learned that we are two unique human beings with distinct personalities and different cultural backgrounds. I am grateful for his courage to tell me he was going through so much pain and for asking for help.
It is easy to assume our children are doing well, and when they finally tell us they aren’t we should consider doing the following:
Thank them for trusting us with the information they share. Being vulnerable is hard, and if he had not shared that devasting news with me we could be in a different predicament today.
Find them support and walk by their side as they receive it.
Learn to make choices as parents that puts our kids’ mental health first.
By following these steps my son is alive, his mental health is improving, and I’m a better mom. I hope this story inspires other parents going through similar situations to reach out to their children. We’re all in this journey together.
Resources:
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health call 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Information is confidential, free, and available in English and Spanish 24/7/365
If you or someone you know is having sucicidle thoughts call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Help is confidential, free, and available in English and Spanish 24/7/365.
